Consent of Disdain

This is to my ex. Things have been on my mind a lot lately and I feel that recently I have matured enough to acknowledge the fact that you broke me. I have always referred to you as “The Hell Beast” and when people have asked me to elaborate, I have always explained to them that you are a succubus who took my soul. I find that to be a half-truth. You did such a number on me, that I have been in fear. I have been so fearful of commitment, that I have denied women my affections. This has gone so far as to even deny good and even great women my love, love that a lot of them have deserved.

Therefore I feel as though I must apologize to the women that I have let down. After the massive injuries done to my heart, I have wasted their time in my inability to give you that which you had so readily earned. Even those I had shown what seemed like a full measure of effort, were not given full effort. In fact I have done my best to escape any situation that I believed could possibly become serious. Self-sabotage has been my primary methodology or modus operandi when it comes to the possibility of love. This is because I was mistreated so strongly in the first serious relationship I had when I thought I knew what love was. It is the only thing in my life that I have put my all into that has not come out in my favor. I was broken.

I have been a damaged young man that has been trying to fill an emotional void with physical acts of love, finding pride in my ability to put temporary smiles on the faces of the women I have failed. The only true honor I can claim from these experiences is the fact that I never lied to anyone but myself.

Luckily, I have learned to allow myself to be loved. You halted my progress for a long time, but now you will no longer hold me back. To be clear, I am not saying that it is someone else’s fault that I have behaved atrociously in the past ten years. I will always assume responsibility for that which I am. There is always a different way to handle a situation. However, all people are products of their life experiences and my first experience with love was one that taught me love was not a good thing and I have run from it since.

However, I am grateful enough to admit the things I learned from you and I will never deny the jump in maturity I experienced in my failure with you. I am just happy that my love for you was not the sum total of love. I have seen better and I have recognized things about both life and love that have taught me better. I have reclaimed my soul and will therefore move forward in the light of that which I have always hidden from. I believe life will be much greater for me. Thank you to the one who has shown me the way to a greater existence.

3 Replies to “Consent of Disdain”

  1. This is beautiful Jonathan. I am so glad that you wrote this. I understand. It made me think a lot and even helped me with my past a little. You were on my mind thought this would be a good place to venture too. Xoxo