Blurry Bigger Picture

I am spiraling. I’m not sure what’s going on, but life has become very taxing over the past couple of months. My emotions are all over the place and my mind is unfocused, as is evident in my lack of recent posts. I delayed my trip for want of something I didn’t need (or get actually) and now I feel stuck. As always, there have been ups and downs. A lot of additional fun with my friends and a few moments of opportunity here and there, but ultimately I feel tired. I think the energy of my hometown has become heavy on me. I have to escape, I will escape.

I apologize for my dour mood today, but I think I have become fearful of my own decision making. I think my long term planning may be compromised. I make excellent moves when I’m under pressure and have no time to think, but when I have time I almost always outthink myself. Perhaps I need to rethink my methods. Perhaps the process I use for decision making is no good and I should rely on instinct more than thought. Perhaps, nothing I do will feel right, but I am being tested and prepared to receive my ultimate reward.

I am very unhappy in this city, but I have definitely been given a lot of very compelling reasons to stay over the past few days. After having not written a sentence in several weeks I was awakened to a phonemail about a job offer out of nowhere. A local elementary school wants me to teach for their literature and writing program. It’s decent pay, reliable hours and amazing benefits, but it’s a career move that will keep me in place for a while. Then the next day, I ran into an acquaintance who gave me tons of information about what to do with my book locally. Not as much of a commitment as the job, but still something that will keep me in place. There are a couple more things that are asking me to stay, but they’re honestly only making me feel more motivated to leave.

Some people lose their minds looking for job security. Some people live their whole lives chasing it, but here I am wanting nothing more than to throw it far away from me and chase opportunity that may never come to fruition. I think that’s me though. I am he who seeks the greatest of reward and takes the risks necessary to find it. I want what I want from life and nothing else will do. I will go to California if it kills me, as writing this has reminded me of something I said a long time ago and seemed to have forgotten along the way: “I would rather die an extraordinary death than live an ordinary life.”

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