I tend to let myself leave huge lapses of time between posts on this blog, but I don’t think it’s ever been like this. It has been roughly fifteen months since I’ve last spoken my mind on here. I can’t believe how much time has past. Time flies when you’re having fun, but I haven’t been having a lot. However, it seems like time is still escaping me. I think the reason for this is fear.
Lately I have been having a bit of a crisis of faith. Tragedy has been all but continuous in terms of life that once was or could’ve been, leading to many instances of self reflection. During these times, I look into a mirror and see someone I never planned to see. I see a man that should not exist. I have had the same dream for most of my life and a clear picture of how it was supposed to happen, yet none of it has gone that way.
I began to view myself as a failure and as time has gone by I have begun to truly believe that. I began to fill myself with shame and despair and met my personal rock bottom. All my life I have adhered to a strict set of principles and have given myself fairly high standards of personal honor. Once I looked back and saw how much I had compromised nearly every one of these principles more than once, as well as considering my personal failures, I began to consider a falling on my own sword in a very literal sense. I could send myself off like a chivalrous knight or a samurai retaining his dignity with honorable seppuku. I told myself it was likely the best solution. Death before dishonor.
Of course I knew it would not be viewed the same way. No one would truly understand my thought process or my excessive pride in this matter. People would likely perceive me as a coward or selfish or some such thing, but I haven’t ever been particularly into caring about what people think of me. Most human beings tend to only understand the safe categories they have created. Only that which has been placed neatly in a clearly labeled box is acceptable. That was not my concern. Only release from my own failures entered my mind. The realization of that truth is what stayed my hand.
I was going to be fine. At the end of the day, I realized I wasn’t looking at the whole picture. Failure is only possible at the end. You cannot fail until you quit trying and that is where my despair had led me. This unexpected stranger in the mirror hated the sight of me and wanted to blind himself of my shame. Now I stare him in his eyes and challenge him to change. I challenge him to appreciate the view before him and realize the power within the form which has become unfamiliar. I have rediscovered my resolve.
Now I realize that all sacrifices are acceptable, those ills that found their way into the cracks of my mind are purged. I am again the ambitious young man with the unique viewpoint. I am again, the mental juggernaut that will not be stopped. My goals are again clear. Through the power of self and the strength of will through adversity, I have opened my own eyes. The only way I can improve is to fix myself. No one else can do it for me.
Perhaps this next year will move a bit slower. My time has meaning again.